How not to commit suicide on the internet

It's an online classic: Goodbye, cruel world, I'm logging off...for the last time!

How amazingly pathetic and embarassing, not to mention poorly written. I call melodramatic 19-year-old, too-much-Radiohead-and-Nine-Inch-Nails, nothing-better-to-do-so-let's-see-what-happens bullshit.

I've known people with terminal illnesses and constant pain that took their own lives after long struggles, both physical and emotional. I still wish they hadn't. But the one constant in those siutations is they had a) expressable, specific reasons and b) none chose to reveal those reasons with a fake farewell pity party. "I will be too dead to judge your entries?" C'mon -- with listed influences like Silent Hill and Lovecraft, that's the best you could do? And of course, there is absolutely no way for his "death" to reach us in the real world, so it's all a safe, sick joke. On you. Let's hear it for respecting the community.

This is neither an original idea nor an effective one, and I can't wait to see the insulting "social experiment" explanation when our hero comes back to his senses after realizing all he has to live for and/or "just to see if anybody cared." If you'd like, I'm betting we can all write it now. (Alternate ending: Dire-Wasp is dead, so "here's my new online nickname.")

Seeing juvenile soap-opera nonsense like this is the ultimate insult to anyone who ever did have a legitimate reason. And Dire-Wasp doesn't, so don't let yourself be emotionally manipulated by the amateur hour.

That's all the attention I'm giving this failed piece of performance art, and more than it deserves. Please press play on your MP3 players; "Hurt" by NIN should be properly cued up.